Life Means Change.

when i’m with my family the story of the carpet square always comes up. the year was 1993 and everyday in my class, we would have storytime. This was a time where you grabbed a carpet mat from the pile and sat around the teacher’s legs while she read to us. apparently, I liked to seperate myself from the group and sit a distance behind everyone else lol. Teacher called my parents on me.

Now i don’t remember why i liked to do that. maybe the kids stunk. who knows! but i think i always find it funny…i was just like…nahhhh i’mma chill back here. i can hear you wherever i sit sun!! non-conformity has been a constant theme in all of my childhood stories.

I feel like it’s been accepted. Known as the one to go against the grain in the family.  Operating on my own rules and time. The tomboy.  Etc.

And yet, I feel like it’s not accepted. Like there’s always this underlying push to get me to “act right”. You know, put on a skirt and get a boyfriend and enjoy being in the kitchen and gossip on the phone with my family all the time.

I know this was probably very innocent, but this christmas my sister got me a pair of very femme earrings. like… -_-  really? sis? have you NOT known me all my life?! did you NOT help name me?! I don’t know if I was hurt because i felt like she didn’t know me or angry because i felt like she wanted me to be something i wasn’t. like she didn’t approve.

of course i laughed it off. even told her i wouldn’t wear them. but still…i felt some type of way. Like, do you really think this is still just a phase and that now that i’m “getting older” that i need to femme it up to function in the world? Is it okay to be a lesbian, as long as you outwardly conform to what a woman is “supposed” to look like?

I like wallets from the men’s section and boxers. I enjoy laying on the couch with my hands in my pajama pants watching sports or transformers or alien vs. predator or whatever. I don’t care if i ever know how to make the perfect thanksgiving meal and would rather applaud my partner for her efforts. i like button ups and ties.  sneakers and basketball shorts.

i just can’t conform to your idea of what you think i should be.

i actually refuse to.