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29

Dec

[discuss: conform.]

when i’m with my family the story of the carpet square always comes up. the year was 1993 and everyday in my class, we would have storytime. This was a time where you grabbed a carpet mat from the pile and sat around the teacher’s legs while she read to us. apparently, I liked to seperate myself from the group and sit a distance behind everyone else lol. Teacher called my parents on me.

Now i don’t remember why i liked to do that. maybe the kids stunk. who knows! but i think i always find it funny…i was just like…nahhhh i’mma chill back here. i can hear you wherever i sit sun!! non-conformity has been a constant theme in all of my childhood stories.

I feel like it’s been accepted. Known as the one to go against the grain in the family.  Operating on my own rules and time. The tomboy.  Etc.

And yet, I feel like it’s not accepted. Like there’s always this underlying push to get me to “act right”. You know, put on a skirt and get a boyfriend and enjoy being in the kitchen and gossip on the phone with my family all the time.

I know this was probably very innocent, but this christmas my sister got me a pair of very femme earrings. like… -_-  really? sis? have you NOT known me all my life?! did you NOT help name me?! I don’t know if I was hurt because i felt like she didn’t know me or angry because i felt like she wanted me to be something i wasn’t. like she didn’t approve.

of course i laughed it off. even told her i wouldn’t wear them. but still…i felt some type of way. Like, do you really think this is still just a phase and that now that i’m “getting older” that i need to femme it up to function in the world? Is it okay to be a lesbian, as long as you outwardly conform to what a woman is “supposed” to look like?

I like wallets from the men’s section and boxers. I enjoy laying on the couch with my hands in my pajama pants watching sports or transformers or alien vs. predator or whatever. I don’t care if i ever know how to make the perfect thanksgiving meal and would rather applaud my partner for her efforts. i like button ups and ties.  sneakers and basketball shorts.

i just can’t conform to your idea of what you think i should be.

i actually refuse to.

  1. kandake posted this