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muh body.

k read this first  - - > bklyn boihood: gender + body acceptance

i was never concerned about my body growing up. my family never told me i was fat or too small. i was never teased. my mother and father both told me i was beautiful. and i felt perfect in every way.

i mean…yea, the folk may have preferred me not to go all “Cleo” on them but — other than that…. no problems.

i loved men’s clothing at an early age. i liked the way it looked on me for the most part. liked how i wasn’t flat chested so if people looked hard enough they’d say “oh! that’s a girl!”. i liked the confusion. i liked my stomach. sometimes it was kinda mushy. sometimes it was kinda six-packy, depending on the season, but never too far in either extreme. i was in love with my legs and my calf muscles. i always wanted “tina turner” legs like my mother. i wanted to stop getting perms in the 8th grade because i loved the way my hair used to look when i was little, right after it was washed, and before my mom got the hot combs out. i felt free with my huge mane. but i ended up being cool with perms and cornrows.

what i’m saying is, the way i’m feeling now…is foreign.

i can identify with what many of the things that she is saying in the article, however i’m not so sure i’m in the “accepting” phase of my life.

somewhere along the years i got this image in my head of what i wanted to look like and how i wanted other people to see me. maybe it’s something that just happens as you grow older. but i realized, the picture of me in my head, didn’t match the person i was looking at in the mirror. it’s an odd experience. not like, “oh man, wish that tire wasnt around my belly.” but full out “this isn’t me.”

I am not transgendered. I did, however, identify greatly with this movie i watched on netflix the other day called Adonis. It was about gay men and their quest for bodily perfection and what that meant for them.

I want that. i want the strong arms and six pack. the little v cut that leads into fashionable boxer briefs. the semi-fitted clothing so people can see.  but i also want to remain feminine. i want an androgynous body if that’s possible. 

in the article she talks about it being because she wants other people to want her and i thought about that too. i mean, the impact of the media is a bitch. so i wondered if i only wanted these things because they would make me more desireable. but no. i’ve seen women want me in all stages of my life. women who don’t like muscle-y women. women who love the chub. women who’ll only look twice at tall people. bottomline is…i aint worried bout pleasing anybody else, because i’ve seen that as long as i’m okay with me, there’s someone who’ll be okay with me as well. 

So, this is an inner thing. an image that i created. and image i think about daily. i guess it’s the leo in me, but i want to look in the mirror and want to have sex with myself ya know! lol. like…i want to feel like i’m the shit! and when i walk around the theme music that’ll play in myhead is beyonce “ego”. lol

hmm..i’m rambling. i got lost. lol. what was i talking about? what was my point? i guess there really is no point. reading her article got me thinking about my body image and how unlike her, i’m not accepting this.

like her, i AM excited that my body allows me to do all kinds of awesome things, like riding my mountain bike through crazy trails, swimming, yoga (i can touch my toes lol), walking, and all those other random things that i want to do. but i want to do more.

like sign up for rock climbing and not wonder if there’s a weight limit. -_-

and you would THINK, since this is something that consumes a lot of my life, i would have made serious changes to get the image i want, right?! eh, not so much. the people in my head are at constant war with each other in every single situation. one half is always like - let’s go! goals! get er done! plans! image! commitment! i can do anything! ….then the other half be like - yea. whatever. i’m chillin. i’ll get to it when i get to it. eff the world. let’s go eat.

lol. do you see my struggle?!

it’s just something i have to do. something i have to make myself do. just because you want something badly doesn’t mean it won’t take any work. and the desire for success is not always enough motivation.

so anyway. that’s me and muh body. i still love her. i love me. i stare in the mirror and play with my ballon breasts and run my fingers across stretch marks that cover my belly. my hair is soft and i play with it often. i love me. but i love the me that i want me to be more. lmao.

ok i’m done. 

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